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Teaching Teens – Techniques for Offering Advice to Teens They Actually Listen To!
By Steve Morris
As a parent one of your main functions it to guide and advise your children as they go through life. As adults that have (supposedly!) gained wisdom and valuable life experience. Over the years you can’t help but want to offer advice to your children. The advice may be the easy part, getting them to listen, value and act on it is another thing as any parent of a teenager will attest too!I have spent over 30 years in the advice giving business, both in a professional capacity and personally to my own five children. My techniques for advice are based on years of experience as well as close observation of masterful teachers.
The technique works in all advice-giving situations because it is based upon the universal principles of respect for others and personal integrity.
Step 1 – Give a Present.
Why do we give a present?
Before giving advice we need to build up some emotional good will. Firstly we must demonstrate our own goodwill. If the person appreciates the gesture, then their goodwill is afforded back to us. At the very least, the act of present giving peaks their curiosity. 'What's mum/dad up to,' they wonder. Some would say that it a form or bribery – well, okay, if the motivation were to help the other person then what's so bad about bribery? If you have nothing to give as a present, then present yourself – give a warm smile and a pleasant welcome.
By giving a present we attract people to us – it brings them to the door.
Step 2 – Ask permission.
Why do we ask permission?
By securing permission, the receivers have opened themselves to your advice. This does not mean that they will take your advice; it just means that they will hear it out.
Don't just ask but wait for a reply. Nine times out of ten, when asked for permission, people will respond positively. My own experience has been more like 99 out of 100 people will grant permission to a tactful request for permission.
Once people are open to your advice, they have accepted responsibility for hearing you out. If they don't like what you have to say then they are not as likely to get upset with you for giving it since the asked to receive it. I am not saying that people won't ever be upset with the advice; there will probably be many things that are meant to help us that we do not want or like to hear. What I am saying is that they are less likely to blame the messenger if the messenger has secured permission.
What do you do when they say, No!
Well, I'm going to give it to you anyway because you need to hear it!
This is almost certainly the prelude to a fight. Don't push advice on people who are unwilling to receive it. That's like throwing gasoline on a fire! Show respect and just zip it! Disengage and beat a retreat. Walk away politely. I guarantee you that 5 minutes later, 5 hours later, 5 days, later, 5 years later or even 5 lives later (if your into reincarnation) they will ask you,
What was it that you wanted to tell me?
Curiosity is human nature. Eventually, when they are ready they will ask you for what you had to say. And when they seek you out they are more likely to be receptive to what you have to say.
We ask permission to show respect - it opens the door.
Step 3 – Give good Advice.
Who determines what is 'good'? The recipient does, that's who. Remember, we want them to be able to see how our advice is meant to help them. This must be evident to them or they won't take it on board. You should think through what they are trying to achieve – not what you want them to achieve. Check your own motivation, it is easy for parents to think they know best and disregard the child’s view. If you are giving them advice that helps you it's not likely to be taken as favorably as advice that as meant to help them. This means that you have to put yourselves in their shoes.
Giving advice that is helpful brings people through the door.
Step 4 – Take your own advice.
A favorite teaching story of mine demonstrates the integrity of the effective advice giver.
A mother brought her son to Mahatma Ghandi. She begged, "Please, Mahatma. Tell my son to stop eating so much sugar; it's bad for his teeth." Mahatma paused, and then said, "Bring your son back in two weeks." Puzzled, the woman thanked him and said that she would do as he asked.
Two weeks later, she returned with her son. Ghandi looked the youngster in the eye and said, "Stop eating sugar, it's bad for your teeth." Grateful but bewildered, the woman asked, "Why did you tell me to bring him back in two weeks? You could have told him the same thing then." Ghandi replied, "Two weeks ago, I was eating sugar."
Taking your own advice seals the door.
This last step, when honored, would stop a lot of doomed advice from leaving our lips. It's easy for us to spot the struggles of others but we often overlook our own. It may be a better use of our energy to polish ourselves up a bit before attempting to polish up others!
Steve Morris is an internationally renowned leadership and personal development coach and author. He has over two decades of international consulting experience having personally advised thousands of leaders including corporate CEO’s, Heads of Civil Service, military generals and even Royalty! He is the author of several highly acclaimed personal and leadership development books and resources including Glorious Leadership!, Glorious Living!, Sowing the Seeds of Glorious Living!, as well as the fable, ‘The Boy who Climbed the Mountain’. Steve’s other talents include; international speaker, world-class facilitator, corporate board advisor, philanthropist and storyteller. Steve’s work has appeared in The Asian Wall Street Journal, The Straits Times, Asian Business, Asia Manager, Today's Manager, The Economic Bulletin, and Britain in Business. He has appeared on numerous TV and radio shows as a guest expert on the workplace and leadership in Asia. Steve runs the highly successful leadership consultancy, Steve Morris Associates out of Asia while making regular trips to the US for appearances and consulting assignments. Visit Steve at www.gloriousliving.org.
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© 2005. Steve Morris. All rights reserved.
© 2005. Steve Morris. All rights reserved.